Gene Simmons's hair.
And Kathy Griffin's hair, while we're at it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Kellie Pickler. Yeah, that's right, I said Kellie Pickler.
I was just thinking... people make fun of Kellie Pickler all the time, calling her ditzy, airheaded, whatever, but... I have to stand up for her and say she can't possibly be that airheaded. I mean, she's gotta have a LOT of brain capacity up there to store all that dumb, you know?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Apparently I'm Stupid. If You Can Explain It, You Win!
Two Couples. Couple A and Couple B. Bear with me...
Couple A:
Husband is self-employed, wife is stay-at-home mother for two children, ages 3 and 4.
Monthly expenses paid out of pocket:
Mortgage
Home Insurance
Health Insurance
Life Insurance
2 Car Payments (car 1 is 5 years old, car 2 is 6 years old)
Car Insurance
Power
Water
Cable
Internet
Phone
2 Cell Phone Payments
Food, Gas, Misc.
Charitable Donations
Additional Payments (not all monthly):
Property Taxes
Car Taxes
Fire Tax
Yearly income of husband is less than $250,000 per year. And that's before he pays payroll and payroll taxes for his 2 employees and all the other taxes & licenses associated with his business.
April 15th arrives and Couple A pays approximately $20,000 in state and federal income taxes.
Couple B:
Husband employed by pharmaceutical company with good salary and benefits.
Wife stays home with 2 children, ages 2 and 3. Couple lives with wife's mother rent free. Mother also pays for groceries and everyday living items/expenses.
Monthly expenses out of pocket:
Car payment and insurance on new luxury SUV
Beer & Liquor
Marijuana (no, really.)
Gas
Monthly expenses PAID BY GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS:
Health insurance for both children
WIC
Food stamps
SSI for both children ($300per month!)
And maybe even more.....
April 15th arrives and Couple B receives a tax refund greater than $10,000.00
Er...help?
Couple A:
Husband is self-employed, wife is stay-at-home mother for two children, ages 3 and 4.
Monthly expenses paid out of pocket:
Mortgage
Home Insurance
Health Insurance
Life Insurance
2 Car Payments (car 1 is 5 years old, car 2 is 6 years old)
Car Insurance
Power
Water
Cable
Internet
Phone
2 Cell Phone Payments
Food, Gas, Misc.
Charitable Donations
Additional Payments (not all monthly):
Property Taxes
Car Taxes
Fire Tax
Yearly income of husband is less than $250,000 per year. And that's before he pays payroll and payroll taxes for his 2 employees and all the other taxes & licenses associated with his business.
April 15th arrives and Couple A pays approximately $20,000 in state and federal income taxes.
Couple B:
Husband employed by pharmaceutical company with good salary and benefits.
Wife stays home with 2 children, ages 2 and 3. Couple lives with wife's mother rent free. Mother also pays for groceries and everyday living items/expenses.
Monthly expenses out of pocket:
Car payment and insurance on new luxury SUV
Beer & Liquor
Marijuana (no, really.)
Gas
Monthly expenses PAID BY GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS:
Health insurance for both children
WIC
Food stamps
SSI for both children ($300per month!)
And maybe even more.....
April 15th arrives and Couple B receives a tax refund greater than $10,000.00
Er...help?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Keely the Kriminal
I haven't felt like writing. I pull up my blog, I see it, and I don't want to write. Anyway...
I totally bailed on jury duty today. Is that a felony? Or a misdemeanor? Or a crime of any kind? I think it is because I think you can be punished for it... We'll say it is. Just for kicks. So I am now officially a criminal! How cool is that? I mean, omg, I'm a criminal!
Ok I'm not a criminal, but I can pretend. And I'm going to. But I should still probably clarify the "bailed (no pun) on jury duty" statement... Even though it will only make me look even less like a criminal and more like the law-abiding bore I actually am. But still... I didn't go, and that makes me like, a rebel. Sort of. Which, I might point out, sometimes leads to being a criminal, so who knows? Anyway... It's not like I was summoned weeks ago and forgot. I mean, I talked about jury duty as recently as last night and forgot. No fault of my own...my brain is just taking momentary leave due to large quantities of stress lately (case-in-point, I just opened the freezer door to remove and fold the laundry that just finished drying). I knew when I woke up I had something important to do today, but when I couldn't remember what exactly it was, I convinced myself it was probably that I had to order bracelets for my mother-in-law. You know, the LanceArmstrongEverybodyHasOneForAwarenessOfEveryPossibleCause kind. She has cancer. And is not doing well at all. So I had the afore mentioned bracelets made with her name to give out to peeps to wear as a reminder to continually pray for/think of her... But I digress. So 3:00 comes around today and CRAP! JURY DUTY! So I pulled out the lil (thanks for the word, Allison) letter they sent me explaining the faithful duty I purchase with my tax dollars and began to read it. Thank God...a whew moment! Not a huge one; more like a minor whew. Like diet whew... Whew lite. Had I (already) read in detail the lil letter my taxes bought me, I would have realized that today wasn't the actual beginning of jury duty. Technically I'm not required to appear until February 8, but today was the day to show up and cry to the judge about why you should be excused ("Your Honor, while I love being a dedicated citizen/taxpayer/native of this great county/state/nation and would consider it nothing less than a great honor/priviledge/blessing to serve in any possible way I can, I just cannot possibly serve at this time because ___________*insert reason here* i.e. hangnail, faulty brakes, What Not To Wear marathon on tv, etc."). And trust me, I was going to ask to be excused. Ask, beg, whatever..same thing. Not for shallow reasons (honestly!), but because I just can't really commit to anything right now while my maw-in-law is so sick. So I called the number that was on the lil letter and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the machine that answered transferred me to a lady (*transferred, not transformed) who transferred me to another lady (*again, transferred, not transformed) named LuAnn Whateverherlastnameis. And this is why LuAnn Whateverhernameis who works for the judge (or clerk or other person) at the whatever office in (or not in) the courthouse is my favorite person today. After she told me the only thing I could do would be to show up on February 8 as instructed and ask the judge at that time to be excused, I asked what would happen (omg would I go to jail?!) if I was out of town that day. This prompted LuAnn to ask my reason for wanting to be excused and when I told her my maw-i-l has stage 4 cancer and may be under hospice care soon, she promptly told me don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright, (singin' don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright). LuAnn ("Lu", now that we're friends) informed me she would call the judge and explain my reason and she had no doubt he would absolutely excuse me and put my name back in the pool (NOT the good kind) to possibly be summoned later. WOOHOOOOOOO! Thanks, Lu, I owe you one! I always knew we'd be great friends...
I totally bailed on jury duty today. Is that a felony? Or a misdemeanor? Or a crime of any kind? I think it is because I think you can be punished for it... We'll say it is. Just for kicks. So I am now officially a criminal! How cool is that? I mean, omg, I'm a criminal!
Ok I'm not a criminal, but I can pretend. And I'm going to. But I should still probably clarify the "bailed (no pun) on jury duty" statement... Even though it will only make me look even less like a criminal and more like the law-abiding bore I actually am. But still... I didn't go, and that makes me like, a rebel. Sort of. Which, I might point out, sometimes leads to being a criminal, so who knows? Anyway... It's not like I was summoned weeks ago and forgot. I mean, I talked about jury duty as recently as last night and forgot. No fault of my own...my brain is just taking momentary leave due to large quantities of stress lately (case-in-point, I just opened the freezer door to remove and fold the laundry that just finished drying). I knew when I woke up I had something important to do today, but when I couldn't remember what exactly it was, I convinced myself it was probably that I had to order bracelets for my mother-in-law. You know, the LanceArmstrongEverybodyHasOneForAwarenessOfEveryPossibleCause kind. She has cancer. And is not doing well at all. So I had the afore mentioned bracelets made with her name to give out to peeps to wear as a reminder to continually pray for/think of her... But I digress. So 3:00 comes around today and CRAP! JURY DUTY! So I pulled out the lil (thanks for the word, Allison) letter they sent me explaining the faithful duty I purchase with my tax dollars and began to read it. Thank God...a whew moment! Not a huge one; more like a minor whew. Like diet whew... Whew lite. Had I (already) read in detail the lil letter my taxes bought me, I would have realized that today wasn't the actual beginning of jury duty. Technically I'm not required to appear until February 8, but today was the day to show up and cry to the judge about why you should be excused ("Your Honor, while I love being a dedicated citizen/taxpayer/native of this great county/state/nation and would consider it nothing less than a great honor/priviledge/blessing to serve in any possible way I can, I just cannot possibly serve at this time because ___________*insert reason here* i.e. hangnail, faulty brakes, What Not To Wear marathon on tv, etc."). And trust me, I was going to ask to be excused. Ask, beg, whatever..same thing. Not for shallow reasons (honestly!), but because I just can't really commit to anything right now while my maw-in-law is so sick. So I called the number that was on the lil letter and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the machine that answered transferred me to a lady (*transferred, not transformed) who transferred me to another lady (*again, transferred, not transformed) named LuAnn Whateverherlastnameis. And this is why LuAnn Whateverhernameis who works for the judge (or clerk or other person) at the whatever office in (or not in) the courthouse is my favorite person today. After she told me the only thing I could do would be to show up on February 8 as instructed and ask the judge at that time to be excused, I asked what would happen (omg would I go to jail?!) if I was out of town that day. This prompted LuAnn to ask my reason for wanting to be excused and when I told her my maw-i-l has stage 4 cancer and may be under hospice care soon, she promptly told me don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright, (singin' don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright). LuAnn ("Lu", now that we're friends) informed me she would call the judge and explain my reason and she had no doubt he would absolutely excuse me and put my name back in the pool (NOT the good kind) to possibly be summoned later. WOOHOOOOOOO! Thanks, Lu, I owe you one! I always knew we'd be great friends...
Monday, January 18, 2010
I have this feeling...
... I have struggled for weeks trying to place it. It's a feeling I have felt before, but I couldn't remember when. Or how. Or why.
But it came to me.
Waves.
Not just waves, but big waves. Powerful waves. The kind of waves that knock you down.send you tumbling.take your breath.beat you up.
Outer Banks waves.
They're big. Powerful. They are their own kind of waves. They pull you down and flip you around. They hold you until you have no breath and then they hold you a little longer. They mock you. Laugh at you. And when you want to give up they spit you out.
Spit you out and laugh at you.
Nothing makes you feel as small and defeatable as Outer Banks waves. If you have felt it before, you know there is no other feeling like it. It stays with you. forever. Always scares you. Always mocks you. Always makes you feel small. Weak.
So weak.
It is always there, under the surface. You forget it while you're gone but when you return there, so the feeling does also. Stare at the ocean. At the waves.
Big waves.
Powerful waves.
Outer Banks waves.
The feeling is there.definitely there.comes rushing back.
Fear
Powerless
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. All of these things. You know what I mean.
Brought about by just one thing. Those big, stupid, bullying waves. They don't know how to be nice. They only know how to taunt.hurt.defeat.dispose.destroy.
I felt it again. Deep inside, in my core, my very pit of self. The big violent wave, only there was no wave. No wave because I am not there.
I am here.
Here where no waves can reach me.hurt me.mock me.defeat me. But I felt it and it was strange. Strange because I didn't recognize it. I didn't look for a wave because there are no waves here. But somehow the feeling reached me.
Fear
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. But I knew there was no wave. What was it? How did it reach me? Why am I not protected in this land of no waves?
It is a wave. A big, violent, bullying wave. It knocked me down.sent me tumbling.took my breath.beat me up. But I could see the wave this time and I am not in it. I feel it, but I am not in it. I don't know how.
I see me.
I see me in there.
I see me in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
But it's not me. I see me in the wave.Ifeelmeinthewave. But it's not me.
It spit her out, just to swallow her again. But I saw her face. In that second it spit her out, I saw her face.
I know her. I know her name. Her name is Mother. But she is not my mother. Not by science. Not by birth. But law has made her so. Made her my mother because she is his mother.
I see her.
I see her in there.
I see her in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
And I feel her. I am gasping for breath, but she is not. My heart beats faster, but hers is calm. I thrash about, but she is dancing. I am tangled.entangled. But she is free.
I can save her.
I know I can.
I think I can.
Can I?
Come out of the wave. Please come out. You don't belong there. It is stronger than you. The wave is bad. It's bad, come out.
please.
come.
out.
I can feel it. I know how strong it is. I know how powerful it is. I can feel it.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't she hear me?
I'm out of breath. I cannot breathe. The wave is too strong. But I see the wave, why can I feel the wave? I am not in it, but I can feel it.
yes.
she said yes.
But it came to me.
Waves.
Not just waves, but big waves. Powerful waves. The kind of waves that knock you down.send you tumbling.take your breath.beat you up.
Outer Banks waves.
They're big. Powerful. They are their own kind of waves. They pull you down and flip you around. They hold you until you have no breath and then they hold you a little longer. They mock you. Laugh at you. And when you want to give up they spit you out.
Spit you out and laugh at you.
Nothing makes you feel as small and defeatable as Outer Banks waves. If you have felt it before, you know there is no other feeling like it. It stays with you. forever. Always scares you. Always mocks you. Always makes you feel small. Weak.
So weak.
It is always there, under the surface. You forget it while you're gone but when you return there, so the feeling does also. Stare at the ocean. At the waves.
Big waves.
Powerful waves.
Outer Banks waves.
The feeling is there.definitely there.comes rushing back.
Fear
Powerless
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. All of these things. You know what I mean.
Brought about by just one thing. Those big, stupid, bullying waves. They don't know how to be nice. They only know how to taunt.hurt.defeat.dispose.destroy.
I felt it again. Deep inside, in my core, my very pit of self. The big violent wave, only there was no wave. No wave because I am not there.
I am here.
Here where no waves can reach me.hurt me.mock me.defeat me. But I felt it and it was strange. Strange because I didn't recognize it. I didn't look for a wave because there are no waves here. But somehow the feeling reached me.
Fear
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. But I knew there was no wave. What was it? How did it reach me? Why am I not protected in this land of no waves?
It is a wave. A big, violent, bullying wave. It knocked me down.sent me tumbling.took my breath.beat me up. But I could see the wave this time and I am not in it. I feel it, but I am not in it. I don't know how.
I see me.
I see me in there.
I see me in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
But it's not me. I see me in the wave.Ifeelmeinthewave. But it's not me.
It spit her out, just to swallow her again. But I saw her face. In that second it spit her out, I saw her face.
I know her. I know her name. Her name is Mother. But she is not my mother. Not by science. Not by birth. But law has made her so. Made her my mother because she is his mother.
I see her.
I see her in there.
I see her in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
And I feel her. I am gasping for breath, but she is not. My heart beats faster, but hers is calm. I thrash about, but she is dancing. I am tangled.entangled. But she is free.
I can save her.
I know I can.
I think I can.
Can I?
Come out of the wave. Please come out. You don't belong there. It is stronger than you. The wave is bad. It's bad, come out.
please.
come.
out.
I can feel it. I know how strong it is. I know how powerful it is. I can feel it.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't she hear me?
I'm out of breath. I cannot breathe. The wave is too strong. But I see the wave, why can I feel the wave? I am not in it, but I can feel it.
yes.
she said yes.
as you feel the wave yet are not in it,
so am i in the wave but do not feel it.
Her face, it turns. I see her smile. Her heart is mine and his and hers and I feel it filling with us.
with years of us.
I see her smile and I know her strength. I see it now and now I know. I see her heart and it is full. I see the wave and it is small. I see in it the things in me.
it is afraid
it is powerless
it is small
it is defeated.
I see the wave and it is small. I see her smile and I know her strength. The wave is strong, but she is stronger.
She makes it take her home and I know that she has won.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Cancer sucks.
Bad.
It's weird... Everyday we go about our lives, performing menial tasks, sometimes being lazy and wasting time... without ever stopping to think that there are people in this world that don't get to waste time. The time for them to waste simply does not exist. There is no "I'll get to that later." ... There is no later. I watched today as my cancer-riddled mother-in-law was told she has 4-6 months to live if she does another round of chemo... or 2-3 months if she doesn't. How do you take that kind of information? Are we really equipped to grasp such a concept? Months. 2-3 months. That's how long I have a cold. That's summer break from school. That's how long you wear a cast on a broken bone. That's like one touch up if you dye/highlight/whatever your hair. My mother-in-law could possibly have her hair done today and not have to have it done again before she dies. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I don't get it. I know I'm not supposed to, but that just doesn't make it better right now. And I know that she can also outlive her prognosis for years. She just might be too stubborn to die yet. I mean, honestly, we were told last April that she would have been gone long before now. It can happen again, and it may. But still.... I just can't wrap my brain around being told you have months to live. On the way to the doctor this morning as we followed my in-laws, I was plucking my eyebrows (I wasn't driving) and the thought occurred to me, "I'm plucking my eyebrows, concerned about my appearance, and the woman in the car in front of me is dying. I wonder when was the last time she thought about her eyebrows?"..... It's just the weirdest concept for me. The first thing I thought upon hearing the prognosis was that I could be pregnant right now and she may never meet her grandchild. Weird. It's weird. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I don't know. I don't have any more words for this thought process. Maybe I'll finish later...
It's weird... Everyday we go about our lives, performing menial tasks, sometimes being lazy and wasting time... without ever stopping to think that there are people in this world that don't get to waste time. The time for them to waste simply does not exist. There is no "I'll get to that later." ... There is no later. I watched today as my cancer-riddled mother-in-law was told she has 4-6 months to live if she does another round of chemo... or 2-3 months if she doesn't. How do you take that kind of information? Are we really equipped to grasp such a concept? Months. 2-3 months. That's how long I have a cold. That's summer break from school. That's how long you wear a cast on a broken bone. That's like one touch up if you dye/highlight/whatever your hair. My mother-in-law could possibly have her hair done today and not have to have it done again before she dies. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I don't get it. I know I'm not supposed to, but that just doesn't make it better right now. And I know that she can also outlive her prognosis for years. She just might be too stubborn to die yet. I mean, honestly, we were told last April that she would have been gone long before now. It can happen again, and it may. But still.... I just can't wrap my brain around being told you have months to live. On the way to the doctor this morning as we followed my in-laws, I was plucking my eyebrows (I wasn't driving) and the thought occurred to me, "I'm plucking my eyebrows, concerned about my appearance, and the woman in the car in front of me is dying. I wonder when was the last time she thought about her eyebrows?"..... It's just the weirdest concept for me. The first thing I thought upon hearing the prognosis was that I could be pregnant right now and she may never meet her grandchild. Weird. It's weird. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I don't know. I don't have any more words for this thought process. Maybe I'll finish later...
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