I have this feeling...

... I have struggled for weeks trying to place it. It's a feeling I have felt before, but I couldn't remember when. Or how. Or why.
But it came to me.
Waves.
Not just waves, but big waves. Powerful waves. The kind of waves that knock you down.send you tumbling.take your breath.beat you up.
Outer Banks waves.
They're big. Powerful. They are their own kind of waves. They pull you down and flip you around. They hold you until you have no breath and then they hold you a little longer. They mock you. Laugh at you. And when you want to give up they spit you out.
Spit you out and laugh at you.
Nothing makes you feel as small and defeatable as Outer Banks waves. If you have felt it before, you know there is no other feeling like it. It stays with you. forever. Always scares you. Always mocks you. Always makes you feel small. Weak.
So weak.
It is always there, under the surface. You forget it while you're gone but when you return there, so the feeling does also. Stare at the ocean. At the waves.
Big waves.
Powerful waves.
Outer Banks waves.
The feeling is there.definitely there.comes rushing back.
Fear
Powerless
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. All of these things. You know what I mean.
Brought about by just one thing. Those big, stupid, bullying waves. They don't know how to be nice. They only know how to taunt.hurt.defeat.dispose.destroy.
I felt it again. Deep inside, in my core, my very pit of self. The big violent wave, only there was no wave. No wave because I am not there.
I am here.
Here where no waves can reach me.hurt me.mock me.defeat me. But I felt it and it was strange. Strange because I didn't recognize it. I didn't look for a wave because there are no waves here. But somehow the feeling reached me.
Fear
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. But I knew there was no wave. What was it? How did it reach me? Why am I not protected in this land of no waves?
It is a wave. A big, violent, bullying wave. It knocked me down.sent me tumbling.took my breath.beat me up. But I could see the wave this time and I am not in it. I feel it, but I am not in it. I don't know how.
I see me.
I see me in there.
I see me in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
But it's not me. I see me in the wave.Ifeelmeinthewave. But it's not me.
It spit her out, just to swallow her again. But I saw her face. In that second it spit her out, I saw her face.
I know her. I know her name. Her name is Mother. But she is not my mother. Not by science. Not by birth. But law has made her so. Made her my mother because she is his mother.
I see her.
I see her in there.
I see her in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
And I feel her. I am gasping for breath, but she is not. My heart beats faster, but hers is calm. I thrash about, but she is dancing. I am tangled.entangled. But she is free.
I can save her.
I know I can.
I think I can.
Can I?
Come out of the wave. Please come out. You don't belong there. It is stronger than you. The wave is bad. It's bad, come out.
please.
come.
out.
I can feel it. I know how strong it is. I know how powerful it is. I can feel it.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't she hear me?
I'm out of breath. I cannot breathe. The wave is too strong. But I see the wave, why can I feel the wave? I am not in it, but I can feel it.
yes.
she said yes.

as you feel the wave yet are not in it,

so am i in the wave but do not feel it.

Her face, it turns. I see her smile. Her heart is mine and his and hers and I feel it filling with us.

with years of us.

I see her smile and I know her strength. I see it now and now I know. I see her heart and it is full. I see the wave and it is small. I see in it the things in me.

it is afraid

it is powerless

it is small

it is defeated.

I see the wave and it is small. I see her smile and I know her strength. The wave is strong, but she is stronger.

She makes it take her home and I know that she has won.