Dear Old North / Tarheel State,
1. Someone makes a double stick tape that will attach my license to the piece of paper to which you must attach it to send to me (since your new super secret process of issuing my license is now too involved to print it out while I'm actually there, in person, to tell you what all the pretty road signs in the little photo viewer mean, and by "there" I mean in the middle of bum-freaking NOWHERE, 58 turns past Furman Drive where you USED to be, and by the way, maybe send Google your new address because they obviously don't have it) won't leave a nasty residue on my license to which many germs and things will permanently (and ocassionally my fingers when rifling through my purse) adhere. Buy some. And use it.
2. I said lighthouse, not airplane.
3. Because I pay you not only a license renewal fee, but also yearly vehicle taxes, I expect a photo that is at least 3 notches better than a picture my cat can draw of me. I mean come on.. we know it's a digital camera. Really not that hard to say "Ooh.. let's try that again". Takes what, 5 seconds? I mean, this picture is for eight years. Eight years. And a little photoshopping never hurt anyone, you know. But I mean...let's be honest. Photoshopping isn't really even an issue when the actual digital quality of the photo suggests you took my picture with a homemade Quaker Oats box camera.
So anyhoo, my tax dollars obviously aren't being used to pave/patch/fill this great state's road pimples (er, craters?), so using them towards these simple changes would be greatly appreciated, thanksloveyameanit.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
OK, Blog.....
I gotta say...... I've been super down & out when it comes to blogging. I want to be naked, free, exposed in my writing, but for the past month or more, every time I log on here to let my feelings flow, I clam up. Shut down. Nothing. Why? What's keeping me, the one who won't shut up, from painting my life, my feelings, in words? Ugh! I feel like..restrained..chained up..ugh.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
And in the things I don't understand category......
Gene Simmons's hair.
And Kathy Griffin's hair, while we're at it.
And Kathy Griffin's hair, while we're at it.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Kellie Pickler. Yeah, that's right, I said Kellie Pickler.
I was just thinking... people make fun of Kellie Pickler all the time, calling her ditzy, airheaded, whatever, but... I have to stand up for her and say she can't possibly be that airheaded. I mean, she's gotta have a LOT of brain capacity up there to store all that dumb, you know?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Apparently I'm Stupid. If You Can Explain It, You Win!
Two Couples. Couple A and Couple B. Bear with me...
Couple A:
Husband is self-employed, wife is stay-at-home mother for two children, ages 3 and 4.
Monthly expenses paid out of pocket:
Mortgage
Home Insurance
Health Insurance
Life Insurance
2 Car Payments (car 1 is 5 years old, car 2 is 6 years old)
Car Insurance
Power
Water
Cable
Internet
Phone
2 Cell Phone Payments
Food, Gas, Misc.
Charitable Donations
Additional Payments (not all monthly):
Property Taxes
Car Taxes
Fire Tax
Yearly income of husband is less than $250,000 per year. And that's before he pays payroll and payroll taxes for his 2 employees and all the other taxes & licenses associated with his business.
April 15th arrives and Couple A pays approximately $20,000 in state and federal income taxes.
Couple B:
Husband employed by pharmaceutical company with good salary and benefits.
Wife stays home with 2 children, ages 2 and 3. Couple lives with wife's mother rent free. Mother also pays for groceries and everyday living items/expenses.
Monthly expenses out of pocket:
Car payment and insurance on new luxury SUV
Beer & Liquor
Marijuana (no, really.)
Gas
Monthly expenses PAID BY GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS:
Health insurance for both children
WIC
Food stamps
SSI for both children ($300per month!)
And maybe even more.....
April 15th arrives and Couple B receives a tax refund greater than $10,000.00
Er...help?
Couple A:
Husband is self-employed, wife is stay-at-home mother for two children, ages 3 and 4.
Monthly expenses paid out of pocket:
Mortgage
Home Insurance
Health Insurance
Life Insurance
2 Car Payments (car 1 is 5 years old, car 2 is 6 years old)
Car Insurance
Power
Water
Cable
Internet
Phone
2 Cell Phone Payments
Food, Gas, Misc.
Charitable Donations
Additional Payments (not all monthly):
Property Taxes
Car Taxes
Fire Tax
Yearly income of husband is less than $250,000 per year. And that's before he pays payroll and payroll taxes for his 2 employees and all the other taxes & licenses associated with his business.
April 15th arrives and Couple A pays approximately $20,000 in state and federal income taxes.
Couple B:
Husband employed by pharmaceutical company with good salary and benefits.
Wife stays home with 2 children, ages 2 and 3. Couple lives with wife's mother rent free. Mother also pays for groceries and everyday living items/expenses.
Monthly expenses out of pocket:
Car payment and insurance on new luxury SUV
Beer & Liquor
Marijuana (no, really.)
Gas
Monthly expenses PAID BY GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS:
Health insurance for both children
WIC
Food stamps
SSI for both children ($300per month!)
And maybe even more.....
April 15th arrives and Couple B receives a tax refund greater than $10,000.00
Er...help?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Keely the Kriminal
I haven't felt like writing. I pull up my blog, I see it, and I don't want to write. Anyway...
I totally bailed on jury duty today. Is that a felony? Or a misdemeanor? Or a crime of any kind? I think it is because I think you can be punished for it... We'll say it is. Just for kicks. So I am now officially a criminal! How cool is that? I mean, omg, I'm a criminal!
Ok I'm not a criminal, but I can pretend. And I'm going to. But I should still probably clarify the "bailed (no pun) on jury duty" statement... Even though it will only make me look even less like a criminal and more like the law-abiding bore I actually am. But still... I didn't go, and that makes me like, a rebel. Sort of. Which, I might point out, sometimes leads to being a criminal, so who knows? Anyway... It's not like I was summoned weeks ago and forgot. I mean, I talked about jury duty as recently as last night and forgot. No fault of my own...my brain is just taking momentary leave due to large quantities of stress lately (case-in-point, I just opened the freezer door to remove and fold the laundry that just finished drying). I knew when I woke up I had something important to do today, but when I couldn't remember what exactly it was, I convinced myself it was probably that I had to order bracelets for my mother-in-law. You know, the LanceArmstrongEverybodyHasOneForAwarenessOfEveryPossibleCause kind. She has cancer. And is not doing well at all. So I had the afore mentioned bracelets made with her name to give out to peeps to wear as a reminder to continually pray for/think of her... But I digress. So 3:00 comes around today and CRAP! JURY DUTY! So I pulled out the lil (thanks for the word, Allison) letter they sent me explaining the faithful duty I purchase with my tax dollars and began to read it. Thank God...a whew moment! Not a huge one; more like a minor whew. Like diet whew... Whew lite. Had I (already) read in detail the lil letter my taxes bought me, I would have realized that today wasn't the actual beginning of jury duty. Technically I'm not required to appear until February 8, but today was the day to show up and cry to the judge about why you should be excused ("Your Honor, while I love being a dedicated citizen/taxpayer/native of this great county/state/nation and would consider it nothing less than a great honor/priviledge/blessing to serve in any possible way I can, I just cannot possibly serve at this time because ___________*insert reason here* i.e. hangnail, faulty brakes, What Not To Wear marathon on tv, etc."). And trust me, I was going to ask to be excused. Ask, beg, whatever..same thing. Not for shallow reasons (honestly!), but because I just can't really commit to anything right now while my maw-in-law is so sick. So I called the number that was on the lil letter and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the machine that answered transferred me to a lady (*transferred, not transformed) who transferred me to another lady (*again, transferred, not transformed) named LuAnn Whateverherlastnameis. And this is why LuAnn Whateverhernameis who works for the judge (or clerk or other person) at the whatever office in (or not in) the courthouse is my favorite person today. After she told me the only thing I could do would be to show up on February 8 as instructed and ask the judge at that time to be excused, I asked what would happen (omg would I go to jail?!) if I was out of town that day. This prompted LuAnn to ask my reason for wanting to be excused and when I told her my maw-i-l has stage 4 cancer and may be under hospice care soon, she promptly told me don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright, (singin' don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright). LuAnn ("Lu", now that we're friends) informed me she would call the judge and explain my reason and she had no doubt he would absolutely excuse me and put my name back in the pool (NOT the good kind) to possibly be summoned later. WOOHOOOOOOO! Thanks, Lu, I owe you one! I always knew we'd be great friends...
I totally bailed on jury duty today. Is that a felony? Or a misdemeanor? Or a crime of any kind? I think it is because I think you can be punished for it... We'll say it is. Just for kicks. So I am now officially a criminal! How cool is that? I mean, omg, I'm a criminal!
Ok I'm not a criminal, but I can pretend. And I'm going to. But I should still probably clarify the "bailed (no pun) on jury duty" statement... Even though it will only make me look even less like a criminal and more like the law-abiding bore I actually am. But still... I didn't go, and that makes me like, a rebel. Sort of. Which, I might point out, sometimes leads to being a criminal, so who knows? Anyway... It's not like I was summoned weeks ago and forgot. I mean, I talked about jury duty as recently as last night and forgot. No fault of my own...my brain is just taking momentary leave due to large quantities of stress lately (case-in-point, I just opened the freezer door to remove and fold the laundry that just finished drying). I knew when I woke up I had something important to do today, but when I couldn't remember what exactly it was, I convinced myself it was probably that I had to order bracelets for my mother-in-law. You know, the LanceArmstrongEverybodyHasOneForAwarenessOfEveryPossibleCause kind. She has cancer. And is not doing well at all. So I had the afore mentioned bracelets made with her name to give out to peeps to wear as a reminder to continually pray for/think of her... But I digress. So 3:00 comes around today and CRAP! JURY DUTY! So I pulled out the lil (thanks for the word, Allison) letter they sent me explaining the faithful duty I purchase with my tax dollars and began to read it. Thank God...a whew moment! Not a huge one; more like a minor whew. Like diet whew... Whew lite. Had I (already) read in detail the lil letter my taxes bought me, I would have realized that today wasn't the actual beginning of jury duty. Technically I'm not required to appear until February 8, but today was the day to show up and cry to the judge about why you should be excused ("Your Honor, while I love being a dedicated citizen/taxpayer/native of this great county/state/nation and would consider it nothing less than a great honor/priviledge/blessing to serve in any possible way I can, I just cannot possibly serve at this time because ___________*insert reason here* i.e. hangnail, faulty brakes, What Not To Wear marathon on tv, etc."). And trust me, I was going to ask to be excused. Ask, beg, whatever..same thing. Not for shallow reasons (honestly!), but because I just can't really commit to anything right now while my maw-in-law is so sick. So I called the number that was on the lil letter and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the machine that answered transferred me to a lady (*transferred, not transformed) who transferred me to another lady (*again, transferred, not transformed) named LuAnn Whateverherlastnameis. And this is why LuAnn Whateverhernameis who works for the judge (or clerk or other person) at the whatever office in (or not in) the courthouse is my favorite person today. After she told me the only thing I could do would be to show up on February 8 as instructed and ask the judge at that time to be excused, I asked what would happen (omg would I go to jail?!) if I was out of town that day. This prompted LuAnn to ask my reason for wanting to be excused and when I told her my maw-i-l has stage 4 cancer and may be under hospice care soon, she promptly told me don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright, (singin' don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright). LuAnn ("Lu", now that we're friends) informed me she would call the judge and explain my reason and she had no doubt he would absolutely excuse me and put my name back in the pool (NOT the good kind) to possibly be summoned later. WOOHOOOOOOO! Thanks, Lu, I owe you one! I always knew we'd be great friends...
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