Keely the Kriminal

I haven't felt like writing. I pull up my blog, I see it, and I don't want to write. Anyway...
I totally bailed on jury duty today. Is that a felony? Or a misdemeanor? Or a crime of any kind? I think it is because I think you can be punished for it... We'll say it is. Just for kicks. So I am now officially a criminal! How cool is that? I mean, omg, I'm a criminal!
Ok I'm not a criminal, but I can pretend. And I'm going to. But I should still probably clarify the "bailed (no pun) on jury duty" statement... Even though it will only make me look even less like a criminal and more like the law-abiding bore I actually am. But still... I didn't go, and that makes me like, a rebel. Sort of. Which, I might point out, sometimes leads to being a criminal, so who knows? Anyway... It's not like I was summoned weeks ago and forgot. I mean, I talked about jury duty as recently as last night and forgot. No fault of my own...my brain is just taking momentary leave due to large quantities of stress lately (case-in-point, I just opened the freezer door to remove and fold the laundry that just finished drying). I knew when I woke up I had something important to do today, but when I couldn't remember what exactly it was, I convinced myself it was probably that I had to order bracelets for my mother-in-law. You know, the LanceArmstrongEverybodyHasOneForAwarenessOfEveryPossibleCause kind. She has cancer. And is not doing well at all. So I had the afore mentioned bracelets made with her name to give out to peeps to wear as a reminder to continually pray for/think of her... But I digress. So 3:00 comes around today and CRAP! JURY DUTY! So I pulled out the lil (thanks for the word, Allison) letter they sent me explaining the faithful duty I purchase with my tax dollars and began to read it. Thank God...a whew moment! Not a huge one; more like a minor whew. Like diet whew... Whew lite. Had I (already) read in detail the lil letter my taxes bought me, I would have realized that today wasn't the actual beginning of jury duty. Technically I'm not required to appear until February 8, but today was the day to show up and cry to the judge about why you should be excused ("Your Honor, while I love being a dedicated citizen/taxpayer/native of this great county/state/nation and would consider it nothing less than a great honor/priviledge/blessing to serve in any possible way I can, I just cannot possibly serve at this time because ___________*insert reason here* i.e. hangnail, faulty brakes, What Not To Wear marathon on tv, etc."). And trust me, I was going to ask to be excused. Ask, beg, whatever..same thing. Not for shallow reasons (honestly!), but because I just can't really commit to anything right now while my maw-in-law is so sick. So I called the number that was on the lil letter and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the lady who answered gave me another number to call. So I called the number the lady gave me and the machine that answered transferred me to a lady (*transferred, not transformed) who transferred me to another lady (*again, transferred, not transformed) named LuAnn Whateverherlastnameis. And this is why LuAnn Whateverhernameis who works for the judge (or clerk or other person) at the whatever office in (or not in) the courthouse is my favorite person today. After she told me the only thing I could do would be to show up on February 8 as instructed and ask the judge at that time to be excused, I asked what would happen (omg would I go to jail?!) if I was out of town that day. This prompted LuAnn to ask my reason for wanting to be excused and when I told her my maw-i-l has stage 4 cancer and may be under hospice care soon, she promptly told me don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright, (singin' don't worry 'bout a ting, 'cause every lil ting gonna be alright). LuAnn ("Lu", now that we're friends) informed me she would call the judge and explain my reason and she had no doubt he would absolutely excuse me and put my name back in the pool (NOT the good kind) to possibly be summoned later. WOOHOOOOOOO! Thanks, Lu, I owe you one! I always knew we'd be great friends...

I have this feeling...

... I have struggled for weeks trying to place it. It's a feeling I have felt before, but I couldn't remember when. Or how. Or why.
But it came to me.
Waves.
Not just waves, but big waves. Powerful waves. The kind of waves that knock you down.send you tumbling.take your breath.beat you up.
Outer Banks waves.
They're big. Powerful. They are their own kind of waves. They pull you down and flip you around. They hold you until you have no breath and then they hold you a little longer. They mock you. Laugh at you. And when you want to give up they spit you out.
Spit you out and laugh at you.
Nothing makes you feel as small and defeatable as Outer Banks waves. If you have felt it before, you know there is no other feeling like it. It stays with you. forever. Always scares you. Always mocks you. Always makes you feel small. Weak.
So weak.
It is always there, under the surface. You forget it while you're gone but when you return there, so the feeling does also. Stare at the ocean. At the waves.
Big waves.
Powerful waves.
Outer Banks waves.
The feeling is there.definitely there.comes rushing back.
Fear
Powerless
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. All of these things. You know what I mean.
Brought about by just one thing. Those big, stupid, bullying waves. They don't know how to be nice. They only know how to taunt.hurt.defeat.dispose.destroy.
I felt it again. Deep inside, in my core, my very pit of self. The big violent wave, only there was no wave. No wave because I am not there.
I am here.
Here where no waves can reach me.hurt me.mock me.defeat me. But I felt it and it was strange. Strange because I didn't recognize it. I didn't look for a wave because there are no waves here. But somehow the feeling reached me.
Fear
Awkward
Humble
Defeat
Small
Inconsequential. But I knew there was no wave. What was it? How did it reach me? Why am I not protected in this land of no waves?
It is a wave. A big, violent, bullying wave. It knocked me down.sent me tumbling.took my breath.beat me up. But I could see the wave this time and I am not in it. I feel it, but I am not in it. I don't know how.
I see me.
I see me in there.
I see me in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
But it's not me. I see me in the wave.Ifeelmeinthewave. But it's not me.
It spit her out, just to swallow her again. But I saw her face. In that second it spit her out, I saw her face.
I know her. I know her name. Her name is Mother. But she is not my mother. Not by science. Not by birth. But law has made her so. Made her my mother because she is his mother.
I see her.
I see her in there.
I see her in the wave.
the big, violent, bullying wave.
And I feel her. I am gasping for breath, but she is not. My heart beats faster, but hers is calm. I thrash about, but she is dancing. I am tangled.entangled. But she is free.
I can save her.
I know I can.
I think I can.
Can I?
Come out of the wave. Please come out. You don't belong there. It is stronger than you. The wave is bad. It's bad, come out.
please.
come.
out.
I can feel it. I know how strong it is. I know how powerful it is. I can feel it.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't she hear me?
I'm out of breath. I cannot breathe. The wave is too strong. But I see the wave, why can I feel the wave? I am not in it, but I can feel it.
yes.
she said yes.

as you feel the wave yet are not in it,

so am i in the wave but do not feel it.

Her face, it turns. I see her smile. Her heart is mine and his and hers and I feel it filling with us.

with years of us.

I see her smile and I know her strength. I see it now and now I know. I see her heart and it is full. I see the wave and it is small. I see in it the things in me.

it is afraid

it is powerless

it is small

it is defeated.

I see the wave and it is small. I see her smile and I know her strength. The wave is strong, but she is stronger.

She makes it take her home and I know that she has won.

Cancer sucks.

Bad.
It's weird... Everyday we go about our lives, performing menial tasks, sometimes being lazy and wasting time... without ever stopping to think that there are people in this world that don't get to waste time. The time for them to waste simply does not exist. There is no "I'll get to that later." ... There is no later. I watched today as my cancer-riddled mother-in-law was told she has 4-6 months to live if she does another round of chemo... or 2-3 months if she doesn't. How do you take that kind of information? Are we really equipped to grasp such a concept? Months. 2-3 months. That's how long I have a cold. That's summer break from school. That's how long you wear a cast on a broken bone. That's like one touch up if you dye/highlight/whatever your hair. My mother-in-law could possibly have her hair done today and not have to have it done again before she dies. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I don't get it. I know I'm not supposed to, but that just doesn't make it better right now. And I know that she can also outlive her prognosis for years. She just might be too stubborn to die yet. I mean, honestly, we were told last April that she would have been gone long before now. It can happen again, and it may. But still.... I just can't wrap my brain around being told you have months to live. On the way to the doctor this morning as we followed my in-laws, I was plucking my eyebrows (I wasn't driving) and the thought occurred to me, "I'm plucking my eyebrows, concerned about my appearance, and the woman in the car in front of me is dying. I wonder when was the last time she thought about her eyebrows?"..... It's just the weirdest concept for me. The first thing I thought upon hearing the prognosis was that I could be pregnant right now and she may never meet her grandchild. Weird. It's weird. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I don't know. I don't have any more words for this thought process. Maybe I'll finish later...

Dear Mr. President,

When you have a moment, could you please apologize to the world for America being so arrogant that we just HAD to be the first on the scene to aid Haiti with our people, funds, and resources after the devastating earthquake that killed hundreds of thousands of people? Really..our arrogance is SO annoying. You're so right!
Thanksloveyabuh-bye.

Dear Fat/Sloppy/Loud/Obnoxious Girl In Front Of Me At The Cash Register,

I'm sorry that Lane Kiffin's announcement last night interrupted your viewing of The Biggest Loser (because your friend insisted you watch that instead of American Idol...and frankly, you need new friends because clearly she doesn't see that you obviously need one show more than the other), and I'm sorry it is necessary to explain the entire situation in 30 minutes or less (not much less) to whomever it is you are speaking on your cell phone while you dig for change in your purse at the same rate at which a tree would. I am thrilled, however, to learn that you knew last year when Coach Kiffin came to UT, he wouldn't stay and he would be a traitor (maybe you should look into a career as a psychic), and I am happy to know you think you already know who Tennessee will hire, but my mother-in-law is a mile down the road writhing in pain from the cancer that is killing her, waiting on us to bring her this medicine, so if you could just speed it up a notch, that'd be GREAT.
Thanks!
Love,
Keely

I have two words for Harry Reid...

.... Trent Lott.

Here's to hoping the Dems will continue to prove there is (*cough-cough*) no double standard in politics... Surely Harry will apologize and step down like he made Lott do... And surely Al Gore will make mulitiple statements to multiple media outlets about how unacceptable Reid's racist comment was... Surely. Right?

(Dear Allison, skip this post and go straight to the next => )

Reminiscing.....

....about old tv shows I miss.

Mr. Belvedere
Alf
Ethel
Gimme A Break
227
Rocky Road
Mr. Wizard
Facts of Life (thank God for the reunion => )
Quantum Leap
21 Jump Street
You Can't Do That On Television
Blossom
Benson
Kids Incorporated (K! I! D! S!)

A Sign Of The Times.......

Is this what our world has come to? Megan Mullally has been reduced to singing commercial jingles (really bad ones) about butter alternatives? Sad. Sooo sad.

Global Warming, Schmobal Schmarming...

I'm not even touching the fact that America is going through its coldest, snowiest winter in decades...centuries even. Because that's just..well...funny.

Let's talk carbon emissions (I know..my favorite, too!). Though we're puttering through life the same as we always have, all of a sudden just living our lives is ruining the planet. I don't know about you, but I'm not so much doing anything different in my day to day life than someone who lived the same life 50 years ago. As humans (well, most of us...with some exceptions..Al Franken, Perez Hilton, Bobby Knight...you know) we breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.... As far as I know that's been the case since Adam & Eve.... except for the fact that now we're destroying the planet with each breath we exhale. K. Right.. So here's my theory on the wacked out environmentalists making that claim (with no evidence that it is actually true)... Being an environmentalist means you have love for our environment, right? For Mother Earth, plants, trees, critters that eat plants, critters that eat the critters that eat plants, and so on... It begins with plants and trees, and plants and trees need carbon dioxide to live...so they can in turn give off the oxygen we need to breathe... So....by demanding we drastically reduce our carbon dioxide output to save the planet (again...no actual real proof of global warming...though there is proof of manipulating data and reporting false statistics, but I digress...), environmentalists are basically asking us to deprive our beloved plants and trees of the carbon dioxide they need to survive in order to produce the oxygen that WE need to survive..... sumation: plants don't get carbon dioxide, they die. plants die, they don't produce oxygen. we don't breathe oxygen, we die. Hmm. So...rather than fighting to save our plants and trees, they are encouraging us to kill them. Not only that, but think of in terms of the food chain: plants die from lack of carbon dioxide, critters that eat the plants die from lack of food. critters that eat the critters that eat the plants die from lack of food.... And on and on and before you know it, where's my steak?? Which brings up another point... meat. All of a sudden (after only..you know...like 2000 years or so), the meat we consume is destroying Planet Earth, so we should drastically reduce our meat intake. Don't get me wrong.... I have had some goooood steak in my life, but never one that was powerful enough to destroy an entire planet! Have we really come to this, America? You want to tell me I can't enjoy a prime rib without thinking I'm harming the environment? And is this an example of the government becoming involved in every part of our lives including everything we eat or drink? Sure, reducing meat intake is only a suggestion right now, but that's how all laws begin. As suggestions.... Look, I love plants and trees passionately..I mean, I'm married to a landscaper, for goodness sake. And I love Earth. A lot. It happens to be the only planet I can live on at the moment... But until someone can show me ACTUAL documented proof that Bessie and her buds are destroying the world, I will continue to eat her rump, shoulder, ribs, and every other delicious part of her. Actually, let's be honest... show me proof that cows are destroying the environment and I'll still want to eat them. Sorry.... HOWEVER, I think there's a solution where everybody wins. President Obama is trying to close Gitmo.... If the detainees go back to their home country, chances are they'll be planning an attack on America 2 minutes after their return. And I certainly don't want them setting foot on US soil, so..... maybe we can spare Bessie and offer up something (someone) else instead? I get to keep my cheeseburger AND I don't get blown up. SCORE!
If you're asking yourself if it's hard to be this smart, yeah, it is.

Liberalism and control....? I don't get it.

We start our lives as children of our parents, under their control and guardianship. We obey our parents' rules while we are being raised by them. We reach puberty, enter our teens, and begin to develop our own views, opinions, etc. This is the time we catch our first glimpses of freedom. We sometimes rebel in an attempt to gain just a little bit of that freedom and dream of the day it will be ours. But still, we live in our parents' homes. We go to school when they tell us to. We come home when they tell us to. We do our homework when they tell us to. We eat what and when they tell us for dinner. We go to bed when they tell us to. We wake up when they tell us to. And then we start the cycle again. All we dream of during this time is FREEDOM. The day we are no longer under their control; when we can make our own decisions, even if they are wrong and result in mistakes. Those mistakes evolve into lessons learned; lessons we may have never learned otherwise. We become stronger individuals when we are out from under our parents' wings and must fend for ourselves. No one...no one, once they have achieved their freedom, chooses to go back home to live under their parents' rule. Sure, plenty of people move back home now and then, but you know what I mean. Given the choice of making our own decisions vs. living by decisions others make for us, being in charge of our own lives always wins hands down.
So why is it, then, when the first quarter of our lives are spent in anticipation of this freedom, being in charge of our own lives and out from under others' rule, Liberals want our government to control every single faction of our lives? What kind of car we drive..how much energy we can use...what we eat, what we drink...and don't snub those last two because believe me, our government taking control of health care in this country absolutely means they will determine what we can and can't eat based on nutritional value. Why are they so anxious to have our government so completely interwoven into our entire lives? How can we prosper as individuals and therefore as a nation if we are not free to try new things, new ways, BETTER ways? There is no room for growth, learning, or success when we only do what we are told we can do. No one ever succeeded at anything by simply staying within the perimeters. Nothing was ever invented without the inventor going beyond what he was told he could do. We are being transformed into a nation of mediocrity, a nation where dreams will cease to be, a nation that will never learn how to become better because we are contained within a box of rules and laws and regulation.
Think about it... I challenge you. Think of it in these terms. Having lived on your own, gotten where you are, achieved all you have achieved because of decisions YOU were free to make...would you give it up to return to the rule of mom and dad? That's what we're doing, America. Wake up. See it. CHANGE it.

Dear Blog....

Sorry it has been so long... life has been um.... stressful? lately and I just didn't have blogging in me... so...

Help me out here... Joan Rivers was just detained in an airport for a passport snafu. Joan Rivers. K. Hold that thought.
Christmas day, *insert muslim name here that I'm not taking the time to look up* boards a plane in Amsterdam bound for Detroit with A BOMB IN HIS UNDERWEAR. Granted, the components were separate when he boarded the plane, but still... And apparently, according to eye witnesses on the same flight, Loser al Blah Blah didn't even have a passport when he boarded. Mmmk. That's awesome. What's more awesome is that HE WAS ON A FREAKING TERRORIST WATCH LIST after his father reported him to authorities LAST YEAR because of his extreme radical islamist views.... Still got on the plane. Thankfully the attempt failed when the device did not ignite properly and other passengers took him down before he could try again. The happy ending is that no one was critically injured, no one died, and the families and friends of 300+/- people didn't spend their holiday grieving their loved ones who perished when the plane exploded. Thank God. Really, THANK YOU, GOD. But really... if he had farted just right, that plane and everyone on it were goners. No passport. Warnings to FBI/Interpol/foreign embassies from attacker's own father. TERRORIST WATCH LIST.
K. Now...Joan Rivers. When Joan Rivers was flying out of Costa Rica back to America, she was detained at the airport because her passport listed her deceased husband's last name PLUS her own. As in, "Joan Rosenberg, aka Joan Rivers"... They aren't playing in Costa Rica, they mean business... And in the end, she had to drive SIX AND HALF HOURS to another airport in order to fly home to America. Seriously? Really??? I mean... she had two names on her passport, one of which is the name by which the world knows her. We aren't talking like, Keely Anthony, aka Keely Sisco. We're talking Joan Freaking Rivers. Who doesn't know Joan Rivers? I mean, please. Sure, she had two names on her passport, officials were skeptical of that, yada yada yada. All they had to do was light a match by her face to see if it melted or not. But whatever.
SO. To recap: Muslim with expired visa/no passport on terrorist watch list, reported by father to international law enforcement agencies for extremist views boards plane bound for US with a bomb in his skivvies. Widely known celebrity Joan Rivers detained at airport even though her passport listed not only one, but TWO names by which she is legally known. Ummmmmmmmm...... should I have my common sense meter checked??